in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
