Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
