i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
