Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
