I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
