The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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