just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
