so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
