Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
