my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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