all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
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