I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
