I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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