Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
