Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
