He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
