I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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