im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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