it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
