You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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