Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize