remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
