where am i from again
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
