if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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