It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
