I wish I only lived at night.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
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