I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Barsexuality is the new black.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
