he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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