How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
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