There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
