Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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