Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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