Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
