I'm so fucking centered right now
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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