I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
