Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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