What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
