The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
