So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
