your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
You don't make any sense
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