piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
