lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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