I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
So squirting runs in the family.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
