I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
