Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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