oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
