Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
it was like having sex with a tree stump
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
there is another microwave in the elevator.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
