we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
