I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
