I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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