We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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