woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
