I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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