Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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