I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Randomize
