listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
