Swine flu. Run for my life!
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We are all done wearing pants today
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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