You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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